I'm not sure what I'm feeling or even how I'm feeling. I suppose I am in what might be considered a grief induced semi-comatose state. I am awake, walking and talking but can't function on the most primitive level. I start to do something and get side tracked. I am overwhelmed by simple things. There is so much that needs to be done and yet I can't do anything.
This is the first time I have buried a parent so I don't have anything to use for comparison. So will there come a time when I can make sense of things, understand which key goes into the ignition and know why I am standing in the grocery store? How does a person get over the death of a parent? My life has changed forever.
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Bobbie,
I share in your sadness in saying goodbye to your dad. It is hard enough to say goodbye, much less to realize you can no longer ask for their advice or unconditional love. I do know that it is so difficult in the beginning to accept the reality; and you will go through phases of shock, anger, betrayal (by God and everyone else), the deepest sadness imagineable, and even to the point of not caring at all about anything...thinking, "What's the point?" But it is good indeed that you and your dad were able to grow close and share in your life as an adult and to bond and you had his support for so many things. And it is blessed that you were able to spend time with him at the end of his journey here and the start of his journey There. I still miss my mom every day. She was the one person on this planet that "got" me, and I could count on her counsel and love through all things. But I try to remember that she lived a full life and is able to be now without pain and this fragile coating we call a body. So she is better now.
It seens trite to say that Time heals, but at the very least, it does help you to work through things in your mind over time, and to come to the "new reality" of how your life is now. But you will never lose the blessing of having Cliff in your life and hopefully that will help give you some peace along the way.
I have to say that burying my spouse of 30 years was a different feeling than the loss of my mother. Both hurt deeply. But losing my spouse made me have to re-define who I was and try to move forward, just putting one foot in front of the other,each day after that was very hard. The loss of my mother was something different, that was more selfish, of self-pity, that I would not have her in my daily life any more to talk to and have the knowledge that she really did understand how I felt and who I was. I miss that alot.
You will get better...with time and understanding how your life has changed to what it is now.
Love you,
Vicki
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