It's been over a year since I last posted and I hope there is no one out there following this blog,long ago forgotten to unsubscribe. I need to talk without judgement, opinion or comment. I know.....
As a parent I wanted my children to have a better life than I. Not more things but security, love, support and encouragement. I wanted my children to always know that they had my unconditional love, that they could do anything they wanted and get a degree. I wanted them to know that they could marry and have a good life, a home and family. I wanted them to know how to stand on their own but know I had their back.
I must say, out loud, in print, to myself that I didn't do it. My weakness damaged them. My bad decisions warped their lives and even now I am unable to do the right thing. I'm tired of hurting them. I'm tired of hurting.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Too long...
How long has it been since I have written an entry here? Way too long. It hasn't been because I have been too busy or haven't had the time. Honestly, I haven't accomplished anything note worthy in almost 2 years. Most nights are trying to get to sleep only to end up on the computer playing games or reading email. Then when I finally go to sleep my day is shot. It doesn't seem to matter if I stay awake all day and go to bed at a decent hour. I get into bed and my mind starts going, listing all the things I should be doing, didn't do, want to do. So It's 6:17 in the morning and I am still awake.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
December 9, 2009
I suppose I was more prepared for this day last year. Daddy had only been gone 2 1/2 months. Now....I miss him.
Friday, August 21, 2009
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME
What a roller coaster life is for most of us, When I began this blog it was suppose to be a journal; a place to purge. But I grew up in the 'wonder years', when words were tempered and feelings were suppressed. So I softened my words and commented wryly when Ii wanted to scream and cry. I shied away from this forum; this place that vethat should have been a haven.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
It'a been awhile....
It's been a long time since I have written. The roller coaster ride continues but that is part of life. I must include this comic today as it is fitting.
Double click on the cartoon and it will enlarge.
Monday, April 27, 2009
This week......
Hopefully things will go better than last week. On my birthday I was told that I had the choice of spending $1,000 to 1,800 on my van or buying a new one. I chose to repair rather than purchase. I hope it will be ready tomorrow.
I should have been working on jewelry for the last 3 months but have been stagnant. I have the problem of AAADD. Someone described me so well. Substitute Dr Pepper fpr Pepsi.
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier..
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk
where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
I should have been working on jewelry for the last 3 months but have been stagnant. I have the problem of AAADD. Someone described me so well. Substitute Dr Pepper fpr Pepsi.
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier..
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk
where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tomorrow, April 23
Tomorrow is my birthday. That is it's self is no big deal but the number....I will be 61 years old tomorrow. I'm amazed. I didn't think I would make it past my teens. I actually did my best and by all accounts shouldn't have survived the 60's. So here I am, 61. It's an awkward age. Not old enough for medicare; too old for keggers. I suppose I should give up my comfy jeans and invest in polyester knits....NAAHH!
The last few birthdays have come as a surprise to me. I am more comfortable with who I am. I have wonderful friends who accept my weird side. I can laugh at things that would have mortified me even 15 years ago. I have learned that very little I do is going to affect the world 100 years from now but I can make a difference. I want to try to smile more, hug more and let people know they are important to me. I want to sing without worrying that someone will hear.
If I managed to clean my workspace and organize, it wouldn't be a bad thing.
The last few birthdays have come as a surprise to me. I am more comfortable with who I am. I have wonderful friends who accept my weird side. I can laugh at things that would have mortified me even 15 years ago. I have learned that very little I do is going to affect the world 100 years from now but I can make a difference. I want to try to smile more, hug more and let people know they are important to me. I want to sing without worrying that someone will hear.
If I managed to clean my workspace and organize, it wouldn't be a bad thing.
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